Seventh grade. A new
dimension of tribal behavior, hormones from hell, and drama. Lots of drama.
And did I mention roller coasters?
Not the kind that make you scream bloody murder at Six Flags
or Disney. Not roller coaster
emotions. No, I’m referring to Mr.
Chisholm’s annual roller coaster assignment in seventh grade science
class. The task: design a roller coaster
that a marble can successfully careen down from beginning to end, and it had to
last 60 seconds.
This was yet another of the typical assignments that evil,
godless science teachers give their students to taunt their non-scientific
parents. Just kidding about godless. Mr. Chisholm was/is a godly man I’m sure.
But I showed him. See, as a parent I had this crazy idea
(brace yourself) that I had already done my homework and graduated. And if
somebody gave one of my three kids homework, that it was actually homework for them to do, not for their mother or me.
So Joel was on his own.
With, of course, the advice and consent of the Senate. That would be his
mom and me.
Did I mention we are not scientists?
He went to work solving the problem and assembled the thing
out of cardboard and cut up aluminum cans.
I helped him haul it to school.
Ever get that sinking feeling you may have let your kid
down? That maybe you just flunked the Parenting class? I watch some pretty impressive monstrosities
emerge from cars – stuff made out of wood, metal, and for all I knew, tungsten
steel.
It was not a proud day for either of us.
But I had the high-horse satisfaction of knowing that at
least my kid did his own work.
That… that is the stuff of raising adults.
I’ve said for years that as parents, God didn’t call us to
raise kids. He called us to raise
adults. People who could go into the world and make a difference, fend for
themselves, and raise a new
generation of adults to take my place.
Somehow in our culture we’ve gotten that backwards. We’ve even coined new terms like “helicopter
parents” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helicopter_parent)
to describe those parents who need to be needed by their offspring.
In the interest of the fact that those precious little
babies of yours are going to eventually choose your nursing home, it may be a
good idea to teach them to make good choices. Adult choices that they will bear
the responsibility for, which may turn out well, or may not. In the words of the Bible’s famous “love
chapter,” it is vital to teach them to grow past “speaking like a child,
thinking like a child, and reasoning like a child” and to learn to “put away
childish things.”
So allowing for some age-appropriateness, what’s the
difference between raising kids and raising adults?
1. Talk to them as people, not playthings.
It’s cute when a toddler can learn a few words and say them over and over for approval or attention. My grandson Archer has the cutest way of saying “No!” right now. And we all join in in mimicking him. But as soon as he can put a sentence together, his parents will begin communicating with him the way they do with his three older siblings – as people. Thoughtful, gifted, flawed, interesting, growing, frustrating responsible people.
The best way to communicate with kids as people is to give them
opportunities to be part of adult conversations. If your child is sent to the
“little kids table” every time the grown-ups are having a conversation, she
will learn to fear adults and will ultimately become an age snob, caring only
for her generation.
On the other hand, if you carry on conversations with her,
first by listening, then by responding to her (again, age appropriately) as a
human being, using the same kinds of tones and language you use with everybody
else, you will help raise a new generation of grown-ups.
2. Teach them to
entertain themselves.
I don’t mean with mindless hours of TV or video games. I’m
referring to the ability to remove the word “bored” from their vocabulary. Of course it’s a parent’s job to play with
their kids, read to their kids, and provide a safe, fun environment for their
kids. But it is NOT the parent’s job to the sole source of their entertainment
– or for that matter, even the primary referee.
Let. Them. Play. Play
is the language of a child’s problem solving ability. Combined with fantasy, it
is also a developing child and adolescent’s way of writing themselves into the
epic stories unfolding around them at the speed of life.
3. Carve out room for them to disagree with you.
I didn’t say defy or rebel. Disagree.
Case in point: I was raised by a long line of Auburn fans.
My granddaddy went there and my uncle graduated from there. But when I was
about 5 years old, for reasons that still make sense to me today, I announced I
was an Alabama fan. (If you don’t understand that rivalry, just roll with it.
It’s a big deal in the Heart of Dixie.) And over the years it turned into an
annual family rivalry. Now my dad could have been heavy-handed about that. After all except for 15 days a year it’s a
trivial pursuit.
But that one choice led to quite a few arguments about
recruiting and referees and great coaches and stupid plays and a whole lot of
other stuff. And in the process I
learned to think for myself and defend my point. To this day I will bait my kids into an argument
just to exercise their ability to think for themselves before God. It’s a lot of good, clean fun. And that
ability – to think for ourselves and not just to go with the crowd – is the
stuff of adulthood.
4. Teach them to collaborate AND to stand alone.
Life is a team sport. So is work. And your precious baby
needs to learn to hash it out, talk it out or yes, duke it out with other
people to make things happen. They need to learn to negotiate, compromise, or
speak up. If blood is spilled or laws or
bones are broken, it’s OK to intervene. Otherwise, let your little darling work
it out.
That said, you’re raising adult individuals, not lemmings.
And in every adult’s life, especially Christian adults, there comes a time when
we have to have the courage to stand alone.
Usually this involves (or should involve) issues of truth, character, or
lifestyle.
OK, so sometimes you go along and sometimes you stand
alone. Expect them to get this wrong
before they get it right. Discernment
takes time to develop. Coach them. Converse with them. Don’t tell them what to
think, but do give some boundaries and consequences for their choices. As they
mature, they will learn when to agree and when to stand. Which leads to…
5. Give them choices and let them live with the
consequences of those choices.
One year we were on a tight Christmas budget, so we told our
kids (preteens) that we had a certain amount to spend on each of them. That was
the year Dr. Martens shoes were all the rage, and one of my daughters decided
that even though this was more than 80% of her Christmas budget, that was what
she wanted. So that’s what she got.
Who knew that whatever they tanned those sandals with was a
tasty treat for one of our dogs?
Stupid dog.
She was heartbroken. Bitterly disappointed. And the temptation was to try and find a way
to replace the expensive shoes. But as disappointed as we were for her, we
couldn’t, and probably wouldn’t have if we could have.
Lest you feel too sorry for her, she also decided at age 13
to raise support for a group mission trip to Russia and we let her go with
people we trusted.
All this started at Christmas. Around age 4. We give them a certain amount of money, took
them to Dollar Tree, and let them shop for their siblings and grandparents. They made the choices. We just supplied
the boundaries (money) and playing field (store).
As adults and parents themselves, they now make lots more
choices for keeps. Sometimes they ask for advice; sometimes not. Sometimes they
make choices we agree with; often they do things their own way. But any way you
slice it, to be an adult is to live with a sense of responsibility for the
choices you make, and I like what I see so far.
6. Demonstrate
confession and forgiveness.
Lest I come across as an arrogant, I-can-do-no-wrong
jackass, let me be clear: I have failed my children in epic and colossal ways,
and they know it. They have also seen what confession and forgiveness looks
like in the wake of those failures. One
of the greatest compliments ever paid to my children and their mother came from
a child psychiatrist. She said, “Your children have a very sophisticated
understanding that sometimes good people can do bad things.”
We have taught our children – sometimes by necessity – that
life is an adventure in forgiving. We continue
to walk with them through their adult disappointments and hurts to this day,
hopefully with the same message.
One of the little surprises of having adult children now is
that all three of them are still vitally interested in us, their parents. They’re
as much friends now as they are offspring, and our conversations, when not
about their children, are usually
about things that matter in the grander scheme of things. I have learned that with a determined
commitment to add three mature, spiritual, loving, healthy, tax-paying adults
to the world, I can be forgiven for a lot of my own childish missteps along the
way.
I’m pretty excited and blessed by the results. Hey, even the roller coaster got an A.
Andy is a husband, father, grandfather, consultant, teacher and writer. He has 36 years of experience in leading churches, owning businesses, and teaching on an undergraduate, graduate, and corporate level. All of this is a big deal, but my favorite credential is that he's my dad. You can read more from him at www.lifevesting.com .
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What fantastic advice for raising adults, not children, to be able to take on the world with maturity and grace. Thanks, Carrie, for featuring your awesome dad here!
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Wonderful. Loved reading this. Thank you!
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